Grief and The Holidays
Grief and The Holidays
by R.S. Doaty
Grief offers a twofold challenge during the holidays!
The first challenge is how we plan to experience our loss during the holiday season. Second, how we plan to experience the holidays during our season of loss. And be sure of this - you need to do both!
The holidays are coming whether we like it or not, and whoever or whatever we have lost isn't magically going to reappear. So, we need a plan for our holidays and have a plan for our grief. As they say, if we don't plan for success, we are planning for failure.
And remember that grief is not exclusive to the death of a loved one. You could be grieving a cancer diagnosis, a life-altering disability, a chemical dependency, estrangement from loved ones, dependency on others, financial instability, depression, loneliness, identity crisis, church hurt, unstable faith, or many other mental, physical, or spiritual losses.
We must carry all these burdens through the holidays and cannot simply ignore them. They will be experienced.
In our earliest experiences of loss, something I call loss shock, it is nearly impossible to think, much less consider planning. Early grief is a cognitive disability rendering us frozen in a state of uncertainty. This becomes a holiday disaster if you refuse others' help and support.
You may think or believe no one else gets it, and that’s probably true. But it doesn’t mean that no one cares. Others can't fully understand the width and depth of our grief, but that doesn’t mean they can’t offer meaningful support. When our personal loss experiences collide with the holidays, this sense of hopelessness can prevail. I urge you to reach out for support!
We all experience loss differently, so the support that helps each of us most is not the same for everyone. But all grief support points to the same outcome: a plan!
The most successful holiday grief plans have four key elements: Focus, Attitude, Strategy, and Skill. In the early days of grief, these may seem impossible. But rest assured, they are a worthy goal that will pay great dividends as you navigate your grief amid that sea of jolly holiday-goers between Thanksgiving and New Year's.
Focus is our ability to stay mentally present and avoid wandering into the past or the future. Attitude is our ability to avoid extreme happiness or sadness – staying in a neutral mental state. Strategy is our willingness to develop a specific holiday plan and commit to following it. Tools are what others have used successfully to manage their own loss experiences during the holidays.
If you want to remember Focus, Attitude, Strategy, and Tools – just think F.A.S.T!
Remember, the first challenge is how we plan to experience our loss during the holiday season. Second, how we plan to experience the holidays during our season of loss. This is the reality you need to face.
And The Grief Ministry is here to teach you what you need to do!
by R.S. Doaty
Grief offers a twofold challenge during the holidays!
The first challenge is how we plan to experience our loss during the holiday season. Second, how we plan to experience the holidays during our season of loss. And be sure of this - you need to do both!
The holidays are coming whether we like it or not, and whoever or whatever we have lost isn't magically going to reappear. So, we need a plan for our holidays and have a plan for our grief. As they say, if we don't plan for success, we are planning for failure.
And remember that grief is not exclusive to the death of a loved one. You could be grieving a cancer diagnosis, a life-altering disability, a chemical dependency, estrangement from loved ones, dependency on others, financial instability, depression, loneliness, identity crisis, church hurt, unstable faith, or many other mental, physical, or spiritual losses.
We must carry all these burdens through the holidays and cannot simply ignore them. They will be experienced.
In our earliest experiences of loss, something I call loss shock, it is nearly impossible to think, much less consider planning. Early grief is a cognitive disability rendering us frozen in a state of uncertainty. This becomes a holiday disaster if you refuse others' help and support.
You may think or believe no one else gets it, and that’s probably true. But it doesn’t mean that no one cares. Others can't fully understand the width and depth of our grief, but that doesn’t mean they can’t offer meaningful support. When our personal loss experiences collide with the holidays, this sense of hopelessness can prevail. I urge you to reach out for support!
We all experience loss differently, so the support that helps each of us most is not the same for everyone. But all grief support points to the same outcome: a plan!
The most successful holiday grief plans have four key elements: Focus, Attitude, Strategy, and Skill. In the early days of grief, these may seem impossible. But rest assured, they are a worthy goal that will pay great dividends as you navigate your grief amid that sea of jolly holiday-goers between Thanksgiving and New Year's.
Focus is our ability to stay mentally present and avoid wandering into the past or the future. Attitude is our ability to avoid extreme happiness or sadness – staying in a neutral mental state. Strategy is our willingness to develop a specific holiday plan and commit to following it. Tools are what others have used successfully to manage their own loss experiences during the holidays.
If you want to remember Focus, Attitude, Strategy, and Tools – just think F.A.S.T!
Remember, the first challenge is how we plan to experience our loss during the holiday season. Second, how we plan to experience the holidays during our season of loss. This is the reality you need to face.
And The Grief Ministry is here to teach you what you need to do!
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