No Funeral for Me
No Funeral for Me!
by R. S. Doaty
In recent years, it has become increasingly popular for people to choose not to have a public recognition of their loved one's loss when they die. And for some, it’s a solemn promise.
Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life, or whatever you feel most comfortable calling them, are NOT held for the benefit of the deceased. Although the focus of these gatherings is centered on the individual who passed, they offer no real benefit and serve no ongoing purpose to those who have died. However, these events are vitally important to those who remain.
The tradition of honoring the dead can be traced back centuries. There is evidence that our earliest ancestors conducted elaborate death rituals. Funerals are important rituals! Our need to recognize life and death is woven into the fabric of mankind, and these events serve a purpose. It is an essential part of our humanity and a pathway to reconcile our losses.
There are many reasons people choose to forgo public acknowledgments of loss – some with the very best of intentions and others out of pure bitterness. But the basis for this decision is not nearly as important as the outcome for those who remain. Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life are held for the benefit of the living, and foregoing these ceremonies can be very detrimental.
Here are ten (10) post-death ceremony benefits to consider:
Reconciliation
When a loved one dies, we experience grief. This is arguably the most painful of all human experiences, and it will persist to varying degrees for the rest of our lives. The goal for those who are enduring the emotional weight of grief is called “reconciliation. This means making peace with the loss. A funeral and public expression of loss begins the reconciliation process.
Mourning
Grief is how we “experience” loss. Mourning is how we “express” the experience of our loss. To reduce the emotional burden of our loss, we need to intentionally express our loss to digest and metabolize our grief properly. Unreconciled loss can do untold damage to our mental, physical, and spiritual health. A funeral is merely mourning gone public.
Witnessing Loss
One of the necessary ingredients of the mourning process is having our loss witnessed. We need to know that our world sees and acknowledges our pain. A funeral, memorial, or celebration of life allows those around us to gather and collectively share in our expression of loss. They help us to carry the weight of the loss. Unwitnessed loss complicates our grief.
Remembrance:
Remembrance is also an essential part of the mourning process. A funeral allows family and friends to share the deceased's very best memories. But remembrance is not simply about their memory. It is also about us assigning meaning, purpose, and value to the lost loved one’s life. A funeral is a time when ordinary memories evolve into remembrance.
Compressed Condolences:
Although a celebration of a life event can be emotionally taxing for loved ones, it will reduce a slow trickle of public condolences. When there is no funeral, the family can be publicly ambushed by sympathetic people who would otherwise have shared their kind words at a funeral. Now condolences can happen randomly and awkwardly for years.
Gratitude is Due:
It is common courtesy to offer thanks when we receive something special. A funeral is also a public expression of gratitude for the life of the one who has passed. A heart filled with gratitude cannot simultaneously be filled with grief. A funeral is a day of therapeutic thanksgiving – a day of appreciation expressed publicly by the entire tribe.
Outlet For Loss Expression
When grief is not given an outlet for loss expression, it will appear in many other ways in our lives mentally, physically, and spiritually. This is true for both adults and children. Celebrations of life can be filled with both laughter and tears. Opportunities for authentic self-expression, happiness, and sadness are essential for loss reconciliation.
Laments
We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes funerals remind us of what we could have or should have done better in the lives of those who have died. These events bring us face-to-face with the error of our ways. We can learn from our laments. By opting out of a funeral, we could be robbing someone of an essential life-learning opportunity.
Dose of Reality
We are all going to die one day, but that truth is often lost in the busyness of life. A memorial service is a wake-up call to the importance of living each moment to the fullest, the brevity of life, and the need for loving others fully. This is especially important for young folks who feel as if life will never end. Funerals are a healthy dose of reality.
Value
The value of something is determined by the ease with which it can be replaced. A funeral reminds us that we have lost someone irreplaceable. Although this is a hard lesson, we all need to be reminded of the true value of human life. The fabric of society is held together by acknowledging the value of every life through our post-death ceremonies.
Making the living forego the benefits I have just shared is simply selfish. Funerals are not held for the benefit of the deceased, nor have they ever been throughout history. Our modern society has completely lost the true meaning of a funeral.
In the end, a funeral isn’t about the deceased – it’s about the living – and it’s about honoring all human life, not just the life of someone who has recently died.
by R. S. Doaty
In recent years, it has become increasingly popular for people to choose not to have a public recognition of their loved one's loss when they die. And for some, it’s a solemn promise.
Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life, or whatever you feel most comfortable calling them, are NOT held for the benefit of the deceased. Although the focus of these gatherings is centered on the individual who passed, they offer no real benefit and serve no ongoing purpose to those who have died. However, these events are vitally important to those who remain.
The tradition of honoring the dead can be traced back centuries. There is evidence that our earliest ancestors conducted elaborate death rituals. Funerals are important rituals! Our need to recognize life and death is woven into the fabric of mankind, and these events serve a purpose. It is an essential part of our humanity and a pathway to reconcile our losses.
There are many reasons people choose to forgo public acknowledgments of loss – some with the very best of intentions and others out of pure bitterness. But the basis for this decision is not nearly as important as the outcome for those who remain. Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life are held for the benefit of the living, and foregoing these ceremonies can be very detrimental.
Here are ten (10) post-death ceremony benefits to consider:
Reconciliation
When a loved one dies, we experience grief. This is arguably the most painful of all human experiences, and it will persist to varying degrees for the rest of our lives. The goal for those who are enduring the emotional weight of grief is called “reconciliation. This means making peace with the loss. A funeral and public expression of loss begins the reconciliation process.
Mourning
Grief is how we “experience” loss. Mourning is how we “express” the experience of our loss. To reduce the emotional burden of our loss, we need to intentionally express our loss to digest and metabolize our grief properly. Unreconciled loss can do untold damage to our mental, physical, and spiritual health. A funeral is merely mourning gone public.
Witnessing Loss
One of the necessary ingredients of the mourning process is having our loss witnessed. We need to know that our world sees and acknowledges our pain. A funeral, memorial, or celebration of life allows those around us to gather and collectively share in our expression of loss. They help us to carry the weight of the loss. Unwitnessed loss complicates our grief.
Remembrance:
Remembrance is also an essential part of the mourning process. A funeral allows family and friends to share the deceased's very best memories. But remembrance is not simply about their memory. It is also about us assigning meaning, purpose, and value to the lost loved one’s life. A funeral is a time when ordinary memories evolve into remembrance.
Compressed Condolences:
Although a celebration of a life event can be emotionally taxing for loved ones, it will reduce a slow trickle of public condolences. When there is no funeral, the family can be publicly ambushed by sympathetic people who would otherwise have shared their kind words at a funeral. Now condolences can happen randomly and awkwardly for years.
Gratitude is Due:
It is common courtesy to offer thanks when we receive something special. A funeral is also a public expression of gratitude for the life of the one who has passed. A heart filled with gratitude cannot simultaneously be filled with grief. A funeral is a day of therapeutic thanksgiving – a day of appreciation expressed publicly by the entire tribe.
Outlet For Loss Expression
When grief is not given an outlet for loss expression, it will appear in many other ways in our lives mentally, physically, and spiritually. This is true for both adults and children. Celebrations of life can be filled with both laughter and tears. Opportunities for authentic self-expression, happiness, and sadness are essential for loss reconciliation.
Laments
We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes funerals remind us of what we could have or should have done better in the lives of those who have died. These events bring us face-to-face with the error of our ways. We can learn from our laments. By opting out of a funeral, we could be robbing someone of an essential life-learning opportunity.
Dose of Reality
We are all going to die one day, but that truth is often lost in the busyness of life. A memorial service is a wake-up call to the importance of living each moment to the fullest, the brevity of life, and the need for loving others fully. This is especially important for young folks who feel as if life will never end. Funerals are a healthy dose of reality.
Value
The value of something is determined by the ease with which it can be replaced. A funeral reminds us that we have lost someone irreplaceable. Although this is a hard lesson, we all need to be reminded of the true value of human life. The fabric of society is held together by acknowledging the value of every life through our post-death ceremonies.
Making the living forego the benefits I have just shared is simply selfish. Funerals are not held for the benefit of the deceased, nor have they ever been throughout history. Our modern society has completely lost the true meaning of a funeral.
In the end, a funeral isn’t about the deceased – it’s about the living – and it’s about honoring all human life, not just the life of someone who has recently died.
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