Grief Usually Has a Villain
Grief Usually Has a Villain!
by R. S. Doaty
Grief is a notorious relationship wrecker!
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, there’s something you need to understand. Your relationships with everyone around you, or with them, are at serious risk.
Have you ever witnessed loving families descend into relational chaos after the death of a loved one? I have! And it caught me completely by surprise. My aunts and uncles, who had seemed like a united family force, descended into an unexpected family feud that lasted more than a decade. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
Now, years later, and after decades of studying and investigating the nature of grief, I totally get it. Grief usually has a villain! That means someone will be blamed for something, whether it is a legitimate offense or not.
To understand this phenomenon, we need to look for the culprit. That answer lies in how we cope with and digest loss. It's that familiar emotion called anger!
Anger can be good. It is our alarm bell when our personal boundaries, values, or safety are being violated. Anger also motivates us to push through challenges and achieve difficult goals, whereas other emotions, like sadness, might leave us feeling passive. Anger can provide the energy and conviction needed to stand up to injustice and unfairness. But it is also used to overcome the loss of the people we love, to digest our grief.
People generally target others with anger to regain a sense of power, alleviate their own internal stress, or cope with unaddressed trauma and grief. When individuals lack healthy loss and trauma coping mechanisms, they will naturally project their pain or insecurities upon innocent bystanders to temporarily boost their own mental well-being.
Grief can wreak havoc in every relationship – including our relationships with those closest to us, with ourselves, and with God. This is part of something I call the “Paradox of Unspent Love.” If we lose someone or something we love, there is still a lot of love remaining in our hearts that we wish we could share. But we can’t – they are gone!
This unspent love is energy that is now bottled up and trapped within us. It needs to be expended somehow for us to get relief. If we do not have effective loss coping mechanisms, love energy will naturally be channeled into anger. And our anger will target whoever it can, regardless of the validity of the attack, to expend this trapped energy.
Whoever happens to be in the path of someone who is wrestling with unspent love is a potential target. You do not need to have done anything wrong or deserve the anger that has been unleashed upon you. And no, it’s not fair. But yes, it is completely natural.
If you hope to support and love someone through their time of grief, please know that you could be the target of their undeserved wrath. Be prepared, and don’t be surprised.
Please forgive them!
by R. S. Doaty
Grief is a notorious relationship wrecker!
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, there’s something you need to understand. Your relationships with everyone around you, or with them, are at serious risk.
Have you ever witnessed loving families descend into relational chaos after the death of a loved one? I have! And it caught me completely by surprise. My aunts and uncles, who had seemed like a united family force, descended into an unexpected family feud that lasted more than a decade. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
Now, years later, and after decades of studying and investigating the nature of grief, I totally get it. Grief usually has a villain! That means someone will be blamed for something, whether it is a legitimate offense or not.
To understand this phenomenon, we need to look for the culprit. That answer lies in how we cope with and digest loss. It's that familiar emotion called anger!
Anger can be good. It is our alarm bell when our personal boundaries, values, or safety are being violated. Anger also motivates us to push through challenges and achieve difficult goals, whereas other emotions, like sadness, might leave us feeling passive. Anger can provide the energy and conviction needed to stand up to injustice and unfairness. But it is also used to overcome the loss of the people we love, to digest our grief.
People generally target others with anger to regain a sense of power, alleviate their own internal stress, or cope with unaddressed trauma and grief. When individuals lack healthy loss and trauma coping mechanisms, they will naturally project their pain or insecurities upon innocent bystanders to temporarily boost their own mental well-being.
Grief can wreak havoc in every relationship – including our relationships with those closest to us, with ourselves, and with God. This is part of something I call the “Paradox of Unspent Love.” If we lose someone or something we love, there is still a lot of love remaining in our hearts that we wish we could share. But we can’t – they are gone!
This unspent love is energy that is now bottled up and trapped within us. It needs to be expended somehow for us to get relief. If we do not have effective loss coping mechanisms, love energy will naturally be channeled into anger. And our anger will target whoever it can, regardless of the validity of the attack, to expend this trapped energy.
Whoever happens to be in the path of someone who is wrestling with unspent love is a potential target. You do not need to have done anything wrong or deserve the anger that has been unleashed upon you. And no, it’s not fair. But yes, it is completely natural.
If you hope to support and love someone through their time of grief, please know that you could be the target of their undeserved wrath. Be prepared, and don’t be surprised.
Please forgive them!
No Comments