No Funeral for Me!
by R. S. Doaty
     In recent years, it has become increasingly popular for people to choose not to have a public recognition of their loved one's loss when they die. And for some, it’s a solemn promise.
  Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life, or whatever you feel most comfortable calling them, are NOT held for the benefit of the deceased. Although the focus of these gatherings is centered on the individual who passed, they offer no real benefit and serve no ongoing purpose to those who have died. However, these events are vitally important to those who remain.
  The tradition of honoring the dead can be traced back centuries. There is evidence that our earliest ancestors conducted elaborate death rituals. Funerals are important rituals! Our need to recognize life and death is woven into the fabric of mankind, and these events serve a purpose. It is an essential part of our humanity and a pathway to reconcile our losses.
  There are many reasons people choose to forgo public acknowledgments of loss – some with the very best of intentions and others out of pure bitterness. But the basis for this decision is not nearly as important as the outcome for those who remain. Funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life are held for the benefit of the living, and foregoing these ceremonies can be very detrimental.
  Here are ten (10) post-death ceremony benefits to consider:
Reconciliation
   When a loved one dies, we experience grief. This is arguably the most painful of all human experiences, and it will persist to varying degrees for the rest of our lives. The goal for those who are enduring the emotional weight of grief is called “reconciliation. This means making peace with the loss. A funeral and public expression of loss begins the reconciliation process.
Mourning
   Grief is how we “experience” loss. Mourning is how we “express” the experience of our loss. To reduce the emotional burden of our loss, we need to intentionally express our loss to digest and metabolize our grief properly. Unreconciled loss can do untold damage to our mental, physical, and spiritual health. A funeral is merely mourning gone public.
Witnessing Loss
   One of the necessary ingredients of the mourning process is having our loss witnessed. We need to know that our world sees and acknowledges our pain. A funeral, memorial, or celebration of life allows those around us to gather and collectively share in our expression of loss. They help us to carry the weight of the loss. Unwitnessed loss complicates our grief. 
Remembrance:
   Remembrance is also an essential part of the mourning process. A funeral allows family and friends to share the deceased's very best memories. But remembrance is not simply about their memory. It is also about us assigning meaning, purpose, and value to the lost loved one’s life. A funeral is a time when ordinary memories evolve into remembrance.
Compressed Condolences:
   Although a celebration of a life event can be emotionally taxing for loved ones, it will reduce a slow trickle of public condolences. When there is no funeral, the family can be publicly ambushed by sympathetic people who would otherwise have shared their kind words at a funeral. Now condolences can happen randomly and awkwardly for years.
Gratitude is Due:
   It is common courtesy to offer thanks when we receive something special. A funeral is also a public expression of gratitude for the life of the one who has passed. A heart filled with gratitude cannot simultaneously be filled with grief. A funeral is a day of therapeutic thanksgiving – a day of appreciation expressed publicly by the entire tribe.
Outlet For Loss Expression
   When grief is not given an outlet for loss expression, it will appear in many other ways in our lives mentally, physically, and spiritually. This is true for both adults and children. Celebrations of life can be filled with both laughter and tears. Opportunities for authentic self-expression, happiness, and sadness are essential for loss reconciliation.
Laments
   We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes funerals remind us of what we could have or should have done better in the lives of those who have died. These events bring us face-to-face with the error of our ways. We can learn from our laments. By opting out of a funeral, we could be robbing someone of an essential life-learning opportunity.
Dose of Reality
   We are all going to die one day, but that truth is often lost in the busyness of life. A memorial service is a wake-up call to the importance of living each moment to the fullest, the brevity of life, and the need for loving others fully. This is especially important for young folks who feel as if life will never end. Funerals are a healthy dose of reality.
Value
   The value of something is determined by the ease with which it can be replaced. A funeral reminds us that we have lost someone irreplaceable. Although this is a hard lesson, we all need to be reminded of the true value of human life. The fabric of society is held together by acknowledging the value of every life through our post-death ceremonies.


   Making the living forego the benefits I have just shared is simply selfish. Funerals are not held for the benefit of the deceased, nor have they ever been throughout history. Our modern society has completely lost the true meaning of a funeral.
   In the end, a funeral isn’t about the deceased – it’s about the living – and it’s about honoring all human life, not just the life of someone who has recently died.

A Law of Relationship - Love is NOT Free
By R. S. Doaty

  There’s a reason love is NOT free!

  I have spent a significant amount of my life investigating grief, and in doing so, wondered why such an awful human experience even exists. I have both witnessed and experienced unthinkable suffering when I and others lose the people and things we love most in this life. Grief always comes at a hefty price.

  But the price we must pay itself, is the very reason grief must exist. The value of everything is reflected in the price it costs. If there were no price to be paid for losing the things we love, then the things we love would have no value. That’s the conundrum!

  If my wife dies, and I simply don’t care, and I neither experience nor exhibit any mental, physical or spiritual pain at her passing, then everyone will surely question if I truly love my wife. It goes against what I call one of the “laws of relationship”. If we lose what we love, then we must pay a price. And that price is called grief!

  Love only has real value if there is a cost associated with the loss.

  When we are mired in the depths of darkness and despair, it’s hard to be philosophical about grief. It hurts, it’s mentally, physically and spiritually disabling, and our human instinct is to do everything in our power to escape our grief. That’s true for all of us.

  But escaping grief is not what those who can successfully reconcile their losses will do. The people who overcome unthinkable loss are willing to pay the price. They fully experience the deep pain of their loss, and then in time, they fully mourn their loss as an act of paying their love debt. It’s a debt they owe and are willing to pay.

  People who try to escape their grief, are like people who want to slip out of a restaurant without paying for the meal they just enjoyed. They try to get something of value, for nothing. That’s a crime. And it is equally unthinkable to believe that losing the people and things we love in life should come at no cost to us.

  Grief is the bill that the waiter hands us at the end of a spectacular meal!

  This metaphor of an expensive meal raises an important point about grief. Why are we surprised there is a hefty cost for what we have enjoyed? Why do we protest?

  Based upon all my grief investigation, the root of the problem is literacy about love and loss. We live in an entitled society that believes things of great value should be free. Love should be free! Freedom should be free! Faith should be free. They all have a cost!

  When God allows grief into our life, He isn’t being cruel. He is being intentional. He is giving value to love, through loss – otherwise true love would be worthless.

Grief Usually Has a Villain!
by R. S. Doaty

   Grief is a notorious relationship wrecker!

   If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, there’s something you need to understand. Your relationships with everyone around you, or with them, are at serious risk.

  Have you ever witnessed loving families descend into relational chaos after the death of a loved one? I have! And it caught me completely by surprise. My aunts and uncles, who had seemed like a united family force, descended into an unexpected family feud that lasted more than a decade. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  Now, years later, and after decades of studying and investigating the nature of grief, I totally get it. Grief usually has a villain! That means someone will be blamed for something, whether it is a legitimate offense or not.

  To understand this phenomenon, we need to look for the culprit. That answer lies in how we cope with and digest loss. It's that familiar emotion called anger!

  Anger can be good. It is our alarm bell when our personal boundaries, values, or safety are being violated. Anger also motivates us to push through challenges and achieve difficult goals, whereas other emotions, like sadness, might leave us feeling passive. Anger can provide the energy and conviction needed to stand up to injustice and unfairness. But it is also used to overcome the loss of the people we love, to digest our grief.

   People generally target others with anger to regain a sense of power, alleviate their own internal stress, or cope with unaddressed trauma and grief. When individuals lack healthy loss and trauma coping mechanisms, they will naturally project their pain or insecurities upon innocent bystanders to temporarily boost their own mental well-being.

  Grief can wreak havoc in every relationship – including our relationships with those closest to us, with ourselves, and with God. This is part of something I call the “Paradox of Unspent Love.” If we lose someone or something we love, there is still a lot of love remaining in our hearts that we wish we could share. But we can’t – they are gone!

  This unspent love is energy that is now bottled up and trapped within us. It needs to be expended somehow for us to get relief. If we do not have effective loss coping mechanisms, love energy will naturally be channeled into anger. And our anger will target whoever it can, regardless of the validity of the attack, to expend this trapped energy.

  Whoever happens to be in the path of someone who is wrestling with unspent love is a potential target. You do not need to have done anything wrong or deserve the anger that has been unleashed upon you. And no, it’s not fair. But yes, it is completely natural.

  If you hope to support and love someone through their time of grief, please know that you could be the target of their undeserved wrath. Be prepared, and don’t be surprised.

  Please forgive them!
 

Mstar Blog #5
by R.S. Doaty

Am I grieving, or am I depressed?

   If you are asking yourself this question, you are already on the right track. Although grief and depression are deceptively similar, they are two entirely different things. And it isn’t always an “either-or” question. Sometimes you can be experiencing depression simultaneously as you are grieving a loss – fighting two different battles.

  I define grief as how we experience loss.

  I define depression as how we experience life.

  If you look at grief and depression from this perspective, you can see it is possible to experience each one without the other, or experience both simultaneously.

  When you look at grief and depression as I have just defined them, it is also important that we do not label either grief or depression as an “emotion”. Although they are both catalysts for a wide range of emotions, they are not themselves emotions.

  Why is this emotion-label distinction important? It’s because our emotions are merely a symptom of an underlying circumstance – either the circumstance of grief or the circumstance of depression.

  Our emotions are a clue about what is happening within our grief or our depression. And just as treating symptoms does not cure a disease, treating the emotions associated with either grief or depression will do little to impact the underlying causes or reconciliation of our grief or depression.

  There is another very important distinction. Most people who experience grief because of a loss do not require professional mental health intervention, while most people who are struggling with depression will benefit from a wide range of therapy and medications. Depression is rarely a do-it-yourself endeavor, unlike grief.

  But that’s not to say that unreconciled grief is nothing to worry about. If you choose to do nothing about a devastating loss, you are putting yourself at mental, physical, and spiritual risk. Grief should not be ignored.

  What should you do about your grief? You should mourn your losses!

  Grief is how we experience loss, and mourning is what we intentionally choose to do about our loss. If you do not fully and authentically mourn a loss, it remains an unreconciled loss and a continual burden, consciously or subconsciously. It becomes an added emotional weight we must carry through life. Learn to mourn!

  If you think your grief has turned into depression, it may be because you are carrying the weight of unreconciled losses through life. Your untended grief is stealing your joy and energy. It feels just like depression, but it is unreconciled past losses. Life looks dark and hopeless because you have not done the necessary work of grief.

  It’s important to be able to determine whether you are dealing with grief, depression, or both. The most important first step is to talk to someone about your struggles and seek appropriate help. And you are fighting a pointless battle trying to control your uncontrollable emotional symptoms.

  Ask God to point you to someone to talk to!
 

Mstar Blog #4
The Suicide Grief Responder
by R.S. Doaty


    The grief associated with losing a loved one to suicide is unlike anything you can imagine. I have personally experienced this dark night of the soul, and sadly, more than once. Nothing can prepare you as a griever or grief responder for the news that someone has ended their life.

    Loss-shock is the first wave to hit a survivor of suicide. It is as if time itself stands still, and you have just stepped out of your body. Nothing seems real. You hurt all over, and yet feel nothing at the same time. Your mind, body, and spirit are no longer synchronized units. You are bereaved – literally torn apart. And there is nothing anyone can do to undo what has just happened.

   If you think I’m being overly dramatic, I assure you, I’m not!

   In this blog, I will talk about what you need to know if you suddenly become a suicide grief responder. Most of us want to do the right thing, while we simultaneously fear saying or doing the wrong thing. Remember to manage your own feelings and seek support if needed, so your efforts remain compassionate and effective for the survivor.

   Their grief cannot be fixed, but offering presence and practical help can provide comfort and reassurance during their darkest moments - know your limits, but be there for them.

   Focusing on practical support like helping with 'simple little things' can make a meaningful difference, so prioritize these over unhelpful words or actions.

    Witnessing their grief, despite how hard it is, fosters empathy and shows genuine support, a true act of love and kindness.

   Recognize that words like 'platitudes' can cause harm because they dismiss complex emotions; saying nothing or offering sincere, thoughtful support is often better than shallow comments.

    Suicide can be a theological quagmire for many Christians who have been taught a doctrine that may not be Biblically based. When supporting someone, avoid complex theological debates during the initial days of grief, as this can add to their distress. Focus on offering comfort and understanding, and recognize that faith topics are deeply personal and may require sensitive handling when the time is right.

   Reconciling a loss by suicide is a lifelong process that will require the prayer, patience, and support of friends and family who are there for the long haul. And remember this. They are the teachers, and you are the student in this tragic loss. Please have the humility to allow them to experience and express their grief as they need, not as you wish.

   The best suicide grief responders are those who have taken the time to improve their loss literacy in the areas of trauma and suicide. Please consider attending our Grief Workshops to enhance your knowledge and skills in love, loss, reconciliation, and resilience to loss.

   There is no better way to truly love your neighbor than to be ready, willing, and able to help them as they endure grief.
 

   Estrangement is one of the least discussed yet a commonly experienced form of grief. In the United States, estrangement is a widespread but largely unacknowledged social issue. Studies indicate that more than 27 percent of American adults are estranged from at least one family member, with many more experiencing estrangement from friends or associates. Contributing factors include toxic behaviors, political divisions, and shifting values.

   Estrangement is considered a disenfranchised form of grief—one that receives limited recognition, empathy, or support. While grief related to death is generally acknowledged, grief rooted in relational loss is often minimized or overlooked. As a result, both estrangement and its related counterpart, alienation, are rarely validated, despite the deep emotional pain they cause.

   Estrangement involves the breakdown of a close relationship marked by a significant, often long-term reduction or complete cessation of emotional connection and communication. It typically includes both emotional distancing and physical separation and is frequently rooted in lived experiences of conflict, abuse, or deeply conflicting beliefs.

Key Aspects of Estrangement:

Definition: A state of separation, withdraw, or the absence of friendly relations.

Context: Although often associated with families, estrangement can also occur in friendships, professional relationships, and broader social contexts.

Nature of the Relationship: Estrangement is not always abrupt or permanent. It may develop gradually, be temporary, or involve intermittent contact.

Causes: Common causes include abuse, substance misuse, mental illness, betrayal, or irreconcilable differences in values, particularly related to politics or religion.

Emotional Impact: Estrangement frequently results in grief, loss, and social stigma, even when the separation is necessary for personal safety, relational health, or mental well-being.

Are Estrangement and Alienation the Same?

   No. While the terms are often used interchangeably, they represent distinct dynamics.

   Estrangement is generally viewed as justifiable distancing based on one’s direct experiences with another person’s behavior or beliefs. Alienation, by contrast, is typically understood as an unjustified rejection driven by the manipulation or influence of a third party.

Key Distinctions Between Estrangement and Alienation

   Alienation is caused by external influence, whereas estrangement arises from direct, lived interactions between individuals. Alienation is often considered irrational or unjustified, while estrangement is typically seen as realistic, protective, and necessary for personal well-being.

   Estrangement usually reflects a long-term loss of affection or a deliberate withdrawal, whereas alienation implies being driven apart by outside forces. Notably, estrangement and alienation often represent opposing perspectives within the same relational conflict.

   From a biblical perspective, alienation originates with deception. Scripture identifies Satan as the author of division and manipulation. When both estrangement and alienation are present in a broken relationship, his influence is evident, though rarely acknowledged. As society continues to move away from biblical values and Christ-centered relationships, estrangement and alienation will only become more prevalent.

The Grief Ministry at Mstar’s Estrangement Workshop

   The Grief Ministry at Mstar has created a workshop to address the struggles associated with estrangement and alienation-related grief. If you or someone you know is caught in Satan’s ruthless relational trap, we urge you to attend!

Mstar Blog #2
The Best Book on Grief
by R.S. Doaty


    I may hold the world record for the most books read on grief!

    Every Christmas, I can expect a newly released book about grief from my wife or kids. It is often accompanied by a funny story about someone at the bookstore who expresses their sympathy, only to learn from my family member that the book isn’t intended for someone in the throes of grief. It’s for their dad, who loves to read grief books. Really?

   I have read amazing stories of love, loss, reconciliation, and newly found resilience. Some are gut-wrenching, others are inspiring, a few offer odd humor, and some are philosophical or scientific beyond my personal academic reach. Many are good, but only one stands out to me as the gold standard for grief reading.

   It’s a story focused on a dad who lost both a son and a daughter at a very early age, at the same time. Both had been poisoned. There was foul play involved, to be sure. Many of the books I have read are from a mother’s perspective on the loss of a child. This book was different.

   As I began to read the book, the father's grief was surprising at first. He is clearly upset with the perpetrator, but he also blames his kids. As I digest my grief books, I try to put myself in the shoes of the bereaved and empathize with their loss as the storylines progress. I wonder, how would I feel if I were them?

   I have never lost a child. The thought of losing one of my children or grandchildren is beyond my comprehension. I don’t know what that dad was feeling or why he said and did what he had done in his earliest grief. That’s not mine to question.

   As the book progresses, what is abundantly clear is the father’s immense love for his children and his seemingly unquenchable thirst for their presence. The simplest description of grief is the transition from a relationship of presence to one of absence. Grief reveals the bright and dark sides of love.

   I cannot imagine the pain of my children being absent from me. I could only lament their loss. But this dad did something beyond my own ability. He dies for them.

   His kids were Adam and Eve. And how young were they? We don’t know exactly, but in his 1,189-chapter book, they are lost in just the third chapter. His love for his children becomes increasingly clear in 1,186 chapters following their sad departure.

   There is surely no greater love than a father who would die for his children. And there is definitely no one who understands grief better than a father who already lost millions of children he loves so deeply. Only God could endure this amount of grief.

   Yes, my favorite book on grief is, in fact, The Bible. It is a tale of love, loss, reconciliation, and hope. Please read it!
  

   Welcome to the Grief Ministry Blog at Mstar!

   I am excited to start this conversation about grief with you!  If you or someone you love is struggling with loss, you have come to the right place! This is where you can learn about love, loss, reconciliation, and resilience. We are so glad you have joined us!

  Our grief ministry team educates, equips, and empowers ordinary people to love their neighbor and themselves as they struggle with a painful loss – even when we do not believe the same things or live the same lifestyle. But please know, we are a Christ-centered ministry that embraces sound Biblical principles. And everyone is welcome, no matter where you are on your faith journey.

   We typically offer our 13-week GriefShare curriculum twice a year - in the spring and fall. We have been continuously facilitating this Christ-centered curriculum for the past 19 years and have served hundreds of grievers. GriefShare is a support group where grievers can walk through grief together.

  We are also excited to introduce our monthly grief education workshops, which will cover a wide range of topics and loss experiences. Grief is not exclusive to death, so our grief workshops will venture into many different types of loss struggles. Check our website to see the newest loss topics we will tackle each month.

  Throughout my years in the grief ministry, I have often wondered how some people can endure catastrophic loss and then go on to lead full and meaningful lives. In contrast, others become hopelessly mired in their wilderness of grief. Join us as we search for clues to overcome all kinds of painful loss experiences!

  The Grief Ministry embraces the B.E.S.T. approach to grief. These letters represent Belief, Education, Support, and Tools. How we experience and eventually reconcile our losses depends heavily on our belief system, our loss literacy, our support system, and the internal tools we use to metabolize loss. I have found that people who successfully overcome unimaginable loss usually adopt this approach.

  We will also be using a teaching tool similar to one found in the Bible – Grief M.A.P.S. MAPS stand for Metaphors, Analogies, Parallels, and Similes. We will teach you about difficult concepts by comparing them to ones you already understand. Our Grief MAPS are basically modern-day parables – the kind of tool Jesus used to teach others about the Kingdom of God.

  We are not grief counselors – we are grief educators and support group facilitators. A vast majority of people experiencing grief do not require professional counseling. Still, we will do our best to refer you to a qualified mental health care provider if you need additional help. Professional grief counseling can be very helpful for some folks.

  Grief is how we experience loss mentally, physically, and spiritually. Mourning is how our loss is expressed. When loss is not expressed, it is experienced perpetually.
  Grief demands your attention. Let us help you learn how to mourn!